Being a mummy

As some of you may know; I recently became a mum. My son is nearly 3 months old already and I didn't think it was physically possible to love someone so much. Of course I love my partner and I love both our families but being a mum brings out a different kind of love. It's all encompassing, it's all consuming and yes this little bundle of joy is the best thing I have ever done. There is just one problem. I don't feel myself anymore. I feel like my identity has been lost to motherhood and it is hard to cope with. Let's start at the very beginning.

When we found out that I was pregnant, we were ecstatic and I mean full on tears of joy for about 20 minutes before we realised we had to go to work! Note to any couples trying: do not do a pregnancy test on a weekday morning when you have to go to work. Whether positive or negative, your concentration levels will plummet. Anyway, we went to work and it was all fine, we told family pretty quickly as we were too excited to keep it a secret and by the time I was actually 12 weeks, I think the whole world knew!

All appointments and scans passed without a hitch, I wasn't sick, yeah I was tired but I knew it would only get worse so I prepared myself for things to come. Bad back, sore boobs, stretch marks and a big belly all eventually arrived with little fanfare in public but in private, we laughed and cried often with all the emotion of it.

Soon I was full term; 37 weeks pregnant and feeling impatient to meet our boy. We'd moved house, decorated and had so many issues to deal with; I never thought we'd be ready. Bottles and the steriliser were bought along with things to help with breastfeeding. We had the nursery furniture, enough clothes to keep a thousand small boys happy and lots of toys. We were prepared! Or so we thought. I hate to break it to you pregnant first time mums, but nothing, absolutely nothing can prepare you for the pain during labour (yes it does bloody hurt), the intense feeling of love you get upon seeing this beautiful baby you have housed for 9 months more or less and then the worry and panic sets in.
For us, it set in on our way home. My labour and son's birth were relatively non descript. I had lots of gas and air (best thing ever), I gave birth in the birth pool like I wanted and my son was born with no complications. And then 9 hours later, we were allowed home.

Woah wait a second. These so called professionals are allowing 2 novices to go home with a baby. We knew practically nothing. I have nieces and nephews so I knew bits but I'd never had a tiny baby overnight and now I had one that I had to look after with no help from someone who knows what to do. The first night was terrifying, neither of us slept and our son slept like a, well like a baby!

This little boy is now thriving, laughing and smiling, trying to roll over and is such a darling little baby. I love him more than anything. But then doubts creep in. Am I good enough? Am I doing this right? And if I am doing a good job, why do I not feel right?
I am a good mum, most mums are to be honest. What we do is hard and I am in no way taking away anything from dad's who work and pull their weight at home or single parents. Having a baby is bloody difficult. And sometimes those pesky hormones play up and this is currently what is happening to me.

I have anxiety and baby blues. There. I said it. I say it out loud nearly daily. I constantly worry I am not good enough, my son would be better off without me, that I cannot do this. I worry that as I don't make friends easily at mum and baby groups, that my son will be the only baby in the world who has no friends. I worry about irrational things happening to him. I am a nightmare to be around in private. I fly off the handle easily, I am negative whereas before I was the most positive person ever.
I'm betting most people have no idea I feel like this. I hide it well, most mums do, or they just don't go out, they isolate themselves making the issue worse and not getting help they need until they reach breaking point. I hit rock bottom a few days ago. It was awful to come to terms with that maybe I'm not a good mum 100% of the time but who is? Myself and my partner do the very best for our son and he is our first thought in everything we do. Now I recognise this, what do I do to get better? I'm going to the doctor's soon to have a chat about it and we'll see what happens.

There's still that feeling that my identity has now changed. I am no longer Gina Jackson, student, girlfriend, daughter, sister, auntie. I am now mum. That's it. Everything else has been pushed into the background and I have to figure out how to get it back. It's great to be a mum but it's ok to be selfish sometimes and just want to be your old self again even if it's just for a few hours.

I'm hoping that by writing this and being honest about how I feel, I can help other women realise that it's ok to feel like this, it's normal and there is help. Mental health issues for women especially new mums is seriously lacking and it needs to get better.

But you know what, it's OK. It has taken a long 3 months to admit that maybe I'm not well. Maybe I need help. Maybe I have PND and maybe, just maybe I'm doing my best for this little boy that relies on me.

So mummies, daddies, guardians of any children. It's ok to do what you think is best. However you feed, however you clothe them, whatever you do to get them to sleep, whenever and however you wean them, you are a good parent! I think sometimes with all the guideline changes and rules on what we should and shouldn't be doing, the judgement from other parents, from the older generation and medical professionals who just don't listen, that we forget just how hard this job is and yet how rewarding it can be. So keep doing what you're doing and support is out there!