Part-Time Student + Full-Time working mum = 1 tired Gina

I wrote the below over a year ago. I think it was over a year ago. It must be as I gave birth in June and had my exam in September 2016. A lot has changed but I wanted to post this after speaking to one of my very lovely sisters (have to make sure I have babysitters) about this very blog. So I will do a quick update and hopefully remember to actually bloody write this thing. Occasionally. Once a month. Or maybe once a year. Ah who knows! 

I now run, yes, me a runner!! My friends who know I run practically laughed in my face when they found out. I was never a runner in school and used to walk during cross country. I love it though, I can clear my mind, listen to a podcast or audiobook without interruptions and just be me for a little bit. 

I'm also a lot better mental health wise. It took a long time, but I got the help I needed and am back on track. 

Nothing much else is going on. Baby is now a toddler causing havoc and wrapping himself round mine and his daddy's little finger (and everyone else) but I am so proud of him and he makes me laugh every day which I'm super happy about. I've gone back to work, for a company I wish I'd never left now but I'm very grateful they took me back and I'm working on proving I can do the job to them and myself. It's tiring, but I wouldn't have my life any other way - well except to have more money, more sleep, a smaller bum and tum and be able to eat cake for breakfast but baby steps. 

Written September 2016....... 
First of all THANK YOU!! Thank you to anyone who took the time to just read my blog, to the ones who commented or messaged me to say how it reminded them of how they felt and that I might feel lonely in this battle but I am most certainly not alone! So thank you. I cannot say it enough, I cannot say how much your messages meant or how they helped me as it is quite frankly indescribable.

I did not write the blog to get the response I did, I wrote it as it was the only way I thought I could articulate how I was feeling. I was never going to actually publish it but once I did, I felt a massive weight off my shoulders and my head cleared. Just a little, but it helped.

I am not 100%, who knows how long it will be until I am, but I am positive with the family and friends that I already had, and those I've reconnected with, that I will get to 100%. 

Mini side note: I have been to the Dr's, I wasn't in long as she totally understood and gave me the number for a counselling service. Next step. Pluck up the courage to ring them. 
I've decided to re-ignite my blog, I think my writing is a massive part of my 'healing process' and as long as people will read, I will continue to write. To be honest, I'll still write even if no-one does read it so there's no pressure.

As well as being a full time mummy, I am also a part-time student. I am studying History with the Open University and on Monday, I have my very first exam in nearly, wait, 10 years?! Flip, that is ages ago. Anyway, I have an exam on Monday, it is 3 hours long! 3 hours! How am I going to write for 3 hours, and yes I have to write with a pen, not my computer. It's soooo long since I wrote for that length of time, I've actually had to practise writing for that long so I don't get cramp. I had to try and print off my exam notification, this is what happened.
1) try and print it
2) realise I have a new computer and have moved house so printer will not be set up
3) go into my study and try and set it up, spend 15 minutes trying to find a cable I already had in my hand.
4) set up printer, it works!
5) realise I have no paper so I can't bloody print anything anyway
6) get a glass of wine
I've also realised today that not only has my passport expired, so has my driving license. I try to renew my license to be told the website is down until Monday morning and I need some valid ID for this exam on Monday morning. Fantastic! I've emailed my tutor and she thinks I'll be fine, as long as I can get to the OU office with my ID once I have it. Why is it always me?
I think other than my ID issue, I'm prepared. At the end of the day, I can only do my best. I know already how proud my family are and how proud I am of myself, that I've stuck with the last 2 modules even though I haven't found them as exciting as I hoped or really enjoyed some of the chapters of the books. Its a good job I have found a lovely group of people on facebook who can help and support me, make me laugh and give me inspiration to carry on, even when I really can't be bothered doing an essay or some revision. Thanks you guys!

As soon as I get this exam out the way, I can concentrate on my next module which is fully about history, not only that but it's mostly about my favourite part of history! It's very exciting, but I'm going to be ridiculously busy looking after little dude in the day and then studying, tidying and generally being a 'normal' person once he's in bed. I am very lucky to have a supportive family and partner who will have little dude for me if I ask them too.

I currently have no idea how I'll juggle everything, but since having baby, I have become so organised for future events (not ones happening in the immediate future, that's too much to ask for) so I have already planned my study calendar and worked out a timetable. Let's see if I stick to it though!

Being a mummy

As some of you may know; I recently became a mum. My son is nearly 3 months old already and I didn't think it was physically possible to love someone so much. Of course I love my partner and I love both our families but being a mum brings out a different kind of love. It's all encompassing, it's all consuming and yes this little bundle of joy is the best thing I have ever done. There is just one problem. I don't feel myself anymore. I feel like my identity has been lost to motherhood and it is hard to cope with. Let's start at the very beginning.

When we found out that I was pregnant, we were ecstatic and I mean full on tears of joy for about 20 minutes before we realised we had to go to work! Note to any couples trying: do not do a pregnancy test on a weekday morning when you have to go to work. Whether positive or negative, your concentration levels will plummet. Anyway, we went to work and it was all fine, we told family pretty quickly as we were too excited to keep it a secret and by the time I was actually 12 weeks, I think the whole world knew!

All appointments and scans passed without a hitch, I wasn't sick, yeah I was tired but I knew it would only get worse so I prepared myself for things to come. Bad back, sore boobs, stretch marks and a big belly all eventually arrived with little fanfare in public but in private, we laughed and cried often with all the emotion of it.

Soon I was full term; 37 weeks pregnant and feeling impatient to meet our boy. We'd moved house, decorated and had so many issues to deal with; I never thought we'd be ready. Bottles and the steriliser were bought along with things to help with breastfeeding. We had the nursery furniture, enough clothes to keep a thousand small boys happy and lots of toys. We were prepared! Or so we thought. I hate to break it to you pregnant first time mums, but nothing, absolutely nothing can prepare you for the pain during labour (yes it does bloody hurt), the intense feeling of love you get upon seeing this beautiful baby you have housed for 9 months more or less and then the worry and panic sets in.
For us, it set in on our way home. My labour and son's birth were relatively non descript. I had lots of gas and air (best thing ever), I gave birth in the birth pool like I wanted and my son was born with no complications. And then 9 hours later, we were allowed home.

Woah wait a second. These so called professionals are allowing 2 novices to go home with a baby. We knew practically nothing. I have nieces and nephews so I knew bits but I'd never had a tiny baby overnight and now I had one that I had to look after with no help from someone who knows what to do. The first night was terrifying, neither of us slept and our son slept like a, well like a baby!

This little boy is now thriving, laughing and smiling, trying to roll over and is such a darling little baby. I love him more than anything. But then doubts creep in. Am I good enough? Am I doing this right? And if I am doing a good job, why do I not feel right?
I am a good mum, most mums are to be honest. What we do is hard and I am in no way taking away anything from dad's who work and pull their weight at home or single parents. Having a baby is bloody difficult. And sometimes those pesky hormones play up and this is currently what is happening to me.

I have anxiety and baby blues. There. I said it. I say it out loud nearly daily. I constantly worry I am not good enough, my son would be better off without me, that I cannot do this. I worry that as I don't make friends easily at mum and baby groups, that my son will be the only baby in the world who has no friends. I worry about irrational things happening to him. I am a nightmare to be around in private. I fly off the handle easily, I am negative whereas before I was the most positive person ever.
I'm betting most people have no idea I feel like this. I hide it well, most mums do, or they just don't go out, they isolate themselves making the issue worse and not getting help they need until they reach breaking point. I hit rock bottom a few days ago. It was awful to come to terms with that maybe I'm not a good mum 100% of the time but who is? Myself and my partner do the very best for our son and he is our first thought in everything we do. Now I recognise this, what do I do to get better? I'm going to the doctor's soon to have a chat about it and we'll see what happens.

There's still that feeling that my identity has now changed. I am no longer Gina Jackson, student, girlfriend, daughter, sister, auntie. I am now mum. That's it. Everything else has been pushed into the background and I have to figure out how to get it back. It's great to be a mum but it's ok to be selfish sometimes and just want to be your old self again even if it's just for a few hours.

I'm hoping that by writing this and being honest about how I feel, I can help other women realise that it's ok to feel like this, it's normal and there is help. Mental health issues for women especially new mums is seriously lacking and it needs to get better.

But you know what, it's OK. It has taken a long 3 months to admit that maybe I'm not well. Maybe I need help. Maybe I have PND and maybe, just maybe I'm doing my best for this little boy that relies on me.

So mummies, daddies, guardians of any children. It's ok to do what you think is best. However you feed, however you clothe them, whatever you do to get them to sleep, whenever and however you wean them, you are a good parent! I think sometimes with all the guideline changes and rules on what we should and shouldn't be doing, the judgement from other parents, from the older generation and medical professionals who just don't listen, that we forget just how hard this job is and yet how rewarding it can be. So keep doing what you're doing and support is out there!

New beginnings & being a grown up.

Let's start off with some good news!

I am doing a degree. Not just any degree, one in my favourite subject - History. Now for anyone reading this who knows me, they'll know I didn't go to uni when I was of the age due to many, many reasons. The main one being my parents decided to follow their dream, abandon their supposedly adult children and move to France. I could have had all the funding in the world to go but I still wouldn't have managed to do it. So I got a job and a flat and tried to adult. Didn't work!

Anyway recently, I decided with the immense support and understanding of my wonderful boyfriend, both families and our friends, that now was the time to do my degree. We're financially stable (sort of), we have no children (yet) and it's something I felt I missed out on as a young adult.

I signed up to OU, weirdly I'm doing the same course my mum was doing when she met my dad! I've waited over 6 months to start, getting my books, converting our box room to a study and buying far too many pens. Now my books and assignments arrived last week and I'm looking at them slightly panicking. I'm going to work my butt off for this though and I know where I want to go with it. I'm ridiculously excited to start and cannot wait to get stuck in. Wish me luck!!

Also we got a new car this month. Upgraded my little roller boot to a slightly bigger roller boot. With electric windows. And central locking. I absolutely love it and as it has 5 doors I feel like a proper grown up in it! It's the little things in life.  

There's also been a major shift at home, I've got a new mattress! Now, this isn't any ordinary mattress, some of you (especially if you live in the US) might have heard of a company called Leesa, they're a relatively new company trying to make sleep more enjoyable and comfortable.
I've recently got the mattress and it's so comfy, much comfier than some of the mattresses I tried. They are a company bringing luxury to the wider world, look them up!
It's a sleep revolution guys!

Now for something a little more serious, I saw something last night that shocked me and probably most people, especially parents. 2 little boys were trying to flee Syria with their parents and unfortunately the boat they were on capsized, 11 people washed up on the beach and these 2 poor children, just 3 & 5 years old, and their mother were just  of them. The images I've seen were horrific and yet, I couldn't stop looking. Those children should not have been on a boat, they should have been safe in their beds, but due to where they lived, this is not possible. Those children and countless other refugees (they are not migrants, they are fleeing a war torn country, not looking for a better job). Maybe this will jump start a proper debate into this 'crisis' and make refugee's lives better until they can find a place to live, be that in the UK or somewhere else in Europe.

Peace out guys! Look after one another x

Well hello there stranger

Hello my little chickadees!!

Yes, I have decided to start my blog again. I'm sure you're all ecstatic/ happy/annoyed/pissed off/wondering how you ended up here when you were looking for a food blog*

* delete as appropriate.

I read over my posts from last year and realised that 2013 was the year I gave up on a lot far too easily! This time round I'm happier, stronger, and able to take insults like water off a ducks back. I also found a draft post that I never got the chance to add so that might make an appearance.

I have also resolved not to talk about anyone without their express permission. Causes less arguments and no one gets hurt that way.

So quick catch up since June 2013. Dates galore from June to September 2014 (joke!), had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince (urgh soppy) but I'm happy. I have my own car, moved jobs, moved house a lot, met new and old friends and generally had a good time.

I hope you enjoy my blog, it will be less about my life as I've become all boring again but I'm sure I'll add snippets in every now and again just to keep you going!

Thanks for reading
Gina
x

Last Post, Apologies, Clearing my mess up.

I know, I know. You're all absolutely devastated about this but I have just read some really nasty comments about myself and it really got to me. So I just want to get a few things from those comments straight in my last blog post. Yes you have got your way and effectively run me out of town, but I and only I will decide what parts of my life are splashed over the internet, daily mail style. The comments were personal to both me and my husband so it is with that in mind and deep regret I am ending The Wisdom of Gina Blog.

Firstly and it is the only thing I actually agree with from the commenter, I know it's hard to believe, is how I treated my mate Greg. Now Greg and I haven't spoken since I did the awkwardness blog post and I can totally understand why. I love and adore Greg so much and I really miss his friendship and how we used to be. I doubt it will ever be the same because of what I wrote but I just want him to know that I am deeply, deeply sorry for how I treated him. I miss our random conversations, singing in the car and our days out. It's true that you don't know what you have until its gone and I didn't realise just how much I needed Greg in my life until he wasn't speaking to me. Sorry x

I in no way pretend I am perfect or look in the mirror and see a supermodel, and I certainly don't wish to be classed as the next 'Samantha Brick', I dislike that woman with a passion. I did this blog as a coping mechanism, nothing more nothing less. It certainly wasn't to air my 'dirty laundry' all over the place, I certainly could have done if I didn't have a husband, family and friends to think about.
I am not a home wrecker by any stretch of the imagination, I've never slept with a married man apart from my husband and that's allowed!

I apologise that my life is not stressful in a conventional way. I don't have kids, I hold down a steady job and I have a good family around me. However, having to move out of my marital home is stressful, going through a divorce is stressful. If you haven't done it don't judge me.
 
The whole comment of my life being like Hollyoaks is a joke, one of sarcasm, unfortunately some people didn't seem to realise that and took it literally. I guess they also take Hollyoaks literally and they didn't like the comparison as I don't go round wearing hot pants in winter nor do I murder people, I think that makes me a pretty good person, obviously not.

I certainly don't have a line of men out my door. One I wouldn't know what to do with them all (it would be kind of exhausting), two, I'm just not that type of girl and three, I think my housemates would have something to say about that! Yes I have man trouble, but don't most 24 year olds? Mine are just slightly different. I go out drinking occasionally. I think I've been out about 4 times since the split. Which roughly works out at once a month, so I don't think me talking about my drinking habits is anything to do with you.

Apparently I'm like a 24 hour tesco but I can't remember why really. Something really witty I'm sure. I'm not self assured, over confident or self centred, yeah I write about myself so flipping what? I heard the other day everyone likes talking about themselves and that's true! Show me someone who doesn't?!

I don't live in a bedsit, I live in a lovely 3 bedroom house share, the areas not great but who cares?! The house is not a hovel and I don't think my landlord would like that description of his house. There are spiders everywhere which I hate and have no man to come and get them (oops mentioned men again, when will I learn?)

I really should stop being sarcastic or what I perceive is me being funny, it won't get me anywhere, probably more nasty comments or 6 feet under as I am positive this person is going to come and hunt me down, they clearly know where I am as they think it's a 'hovel'.

I doubt the person who commented is very content with their life. They seem very angry about everything I do which is never good. No-one should be that angry about anything I do, it's just wasted energy really, be angry about something important. Even my mum isn't this angry at me and she's known me all my life poor woman.

Right I'm signing off as I keep going back to the subject I love the most: moi! Doing this blog has been a nice little chapter of my life. I've enjoyed writing it, and I have enjoyed hearing the nice comments people have had about it. Thank you to everyone who read it, talked about it, sent it on to their mates etc... I'll miss it! XX 

Break ups and make ups update

After posting my earlier entry I started thinking about the part social media plays in relationships and break ups. The book I'm writing is written in different social media formats and will involve how this shapes relationships therefore I needed to think about this carefully. So I've decided to do a mini blog entry on this to get my thoughts down and see what people think.

If you break up with someone and you're friends or follow then on the popular social media sites, it can be hard to move on. You feel they are everywhere posting statuses or updates that are aimed at you and it makes you feel like crap in some cases. The thing is do you get rid of them in that sense? Block them or unfriend/unfollow them and how soon after does this happen? Straight away, weeks, months, years (!) Down the line?
I can't tell you I'm afraid it depends how you feel about the whole situation. I just avoided sites for a month or two and try and skip statuses!

What about people you met through your partner? Do you delete them too? Even if you class them as a friend, surely loyalty to the original friend takes precedence? I've thought about this a lot in the past few months and I'm still no closer to an answer.

The problem is with the burst of social media, nothing is private. Everyone knows what you're doing, where you are, who you're with and what you're talking about. It's annoying but we're all guilty of it. This is why after a break up it's hard to move on as your ex could be posting things like "deliriously happy with my new fella already! Excited for what's to come!" Or they could put on "sat here listening to leona lewis on repeat #heartbreaking" both equally irritating but it's part of life!

What about if it was social media that made you break up in the first place? Jealousy about time spent on sites or who your partner is talking to are now, I assume, big factors in some cases. Do you follow the same protocol or do you block them straight away to avoid awkwardness, arguments on sites and generally being unkind to each other sat behind a computer screen? I don't have the answers I'm afraid it's down to you but I know what I would do!

Anyway this was only meant to be a mini entry and it's an essay! The part social media plays in relationships, break ups, make ups and dating is a big one but don't dismiss it as all bad! It can be very useful for checking the person you're dating isn't a complete nut job, you can avoid a weird dating scenario and save yourself! 

Break ups & Make Ups

Some people thought my last blog was too tame, judging by the amount of views it had compared to my others it was too tame!
This blog I hope will be back to my normal form.

Break ups are hard for everyone involved. Tough if you're the one breaking it off, tough if you're at the receiving end. Yesterday I was in the park enjoying the sun when I noticed a couple sat about 100 yards away from me. You know when you can just tell something isn't right? Well I could tell they were arguing about something. It's great wearing sunglasses as no-one can tell what you are looking at! After about 10 minutes the guy gave the girl a hug, said something to her, obviously upset, got up and walked away. He kept looking back at her and I just wanted him to run back, say he'd made a mistake, he loved her and everything would be OK. She just sat there hugging her knees (I couldn't see her face but I could tell she was crying) before getting up herself and walking in the opposite direction. I felt as if I'd seen the saddest thing in my life and believe me I've see some pretty sad things, but that isn't the worst break up I've seen or been part of.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups. As a young teenager I had a new boyfriend nearly every month. Dumping each other by MSN messenger, text or even by friend telling friend telling the actual person involved. It's harsh looking back now but that's how 11 to 14 year olds behave.
I was with a guy from the age of 14 to 15 (on and off) he lived miles away it seemed at the time but it was Hulme, I barely remember how we met now. Oh wait.....he text my number thinking I was someone else, we got chatting, met up and got together. Good basis for a story I'll just change our ages haha!
We broke up because he lived on the other side of Manchester, none of his friends liked me, I didn't like his friends and we both cheated on each other. It got pretty nasty in the end, but I recently saw a picture of him on facebook and wow am I glad I didn't stick around.
My next boyfriend I met on holiday! holiday romances very rarely work and this one certainly didn't! Anyway, I met him at the phones at this campsite we were at, I was ringing a guy I really fancied at the time to get some gossip and he was ringing his dad. we started talking (at midday) I eventually went back to my caravan at 9pm that night, we exchanged numbers and text each other as soon as we got home, he lived in Nottingham so again it was all done by phone and text. I found out after a couple of months that (apart from family) he had slept with nearly every girl in his phone book. I had met my future husband by then and was umming and ahhing over what to do, whether to get with him or stick with holiday guy. I went back to my holiday fling for another month or so but it was the worst thing to do and we eventually had a tearful phone call where we broke up. I don't remember his last name, I doubt I even knew it (days before facebook) but that relationship was in a way one of the nicest (he was a really nice bloke when he wasn't sleeping around), yet tearful romances I ever had!

It's weird isn't it that as a teenager when you break up with someone you've been with for longer than a month you think the world will end without them near you, you'll die if you don't have one text or phone call a day from them and how no-one in the world knows how you feel.
I really have no experience how people feel as they get older and break up with partners they have been with for a few years or people they date for a couple of months. My friends who have this experience say sometimes they just feel nothing, that's why they break up. Others have said they wanted commitment, the other party didn't and that's why it ended. No matter what the reason for the break-up all my friends have said they felt guilt (if they were the one ending things), pain (if they weren't) and a heap load of sadness.
No matter why you break up it is sad, you've given up a part of your life to someone and then it doesn't work out. I know when I broke up with my husband, I was incredibly sad but I knew it was the right decision for both of us. If I'd have stayed, things would only have got worse, we'd have ended up resenting each other and probably broken up later on but we might have had kids etc. I don't in any way regret the past 8 years of my life or my marriage but some things just aren't meant to be and that's what happened to me and him. Our happy endings are still out there waiting for us, we just had to go through this to realise that.

Sometimes, however, break ups don't end there. Sometimes you realise you've made the biggest mistake of your life and you want to get back with your partner. This can happen straight away or a few months down the line (normally near a special event you would have spent with them), for a minority of people (no research done, this is my own opinion) this works and is the making of their relationship, I know a few couples this has happened too they are now happily married, couple of kids etc. For the majority of people this will NEVER work. You broke up with your ex for a reason, it should stay that way and if you try and go back because you feel sorry for them, guilty, pity them or anything like that then you need to look at yourself in the mirror and shake yourself.

I really wish I'd been able to listen to the couple I mentioned earlier and find out what they broke up over, had one of them cheated? Did they fall out of love or was it just because it's the end of term coming up, exam pressure etc got to the better of them? I'll never know now but I hope they both find someone else to make them happy. You never forget a break up but it's how you deal with them that really matters.